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Boiler Room... Benny boy clears up your acne

One of my favorite scenes in Boiler Room is when pre-Bennifer Affleck rants to all the new hires about money. One of his classic lines:

"They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby."


I have experienced a few unique situations relative to Ben's wisdom, and I have to say that while looking at rather large numbers in your bank account does put a smile on my face, it doesn't reproduce the same feeling as being in love or scoring a touchdown or cutting a SMASH record or giving to charity or swimming with my dog, all experiences I also have booked and reference when people ask me what brings true joy to my life that did not involve making a dime.

So what exactly does money buy if it didn't make me happy, happy like when I was told "I love you" by the girl I too felt I loved?

"Stay in school", "go to college", "get a good job", "earn income", etc. This parental diatribe starts in adolescence (or at 10 for me) and continues for the next decade or so. It really boils down to one simple concept that fuses economics and psychology at the hip: 

Money is needed for survival, so the more you have, the better your chances of not dying from starvation or a lightning storm, and you can't be happy if you are constantly stressing about threats to your life.

therefore...

Money buys a reduction, a reduction in the stress associated with not having any money, and lower stress = greater capacity for happiness.

Argue against this all you want. If you live in America, this is fact. Bottom line. The more money you have, the less likely you are to die from 1.) not being able to acquire calories and 2.) not being able to shelter yourself from the elements. Who is likely going to live longer, guy #1 with $5, or guy #2 with $500,000, assuming both are burning equivalent quantities of calories per unit time and are in search of a lean-to on e-Bay?

Any of you ever been broke? I don't mean "not able to go out Thursday night" broke, I mean "how am I going to consume calories 5 hours from now without stealing" broke. It is the worst feeling in the world, at least the worst I have experienced. This means it trumps absolute earth shattering / mind numbing / extremely depressing heartbreak and a dog running away and total loss of possessions and a few others I'll leave out. It is hell. Your ability to think, feel, help, study, empathize, work, gift are all replaced with a degree of stress intensity we very rarely experience in modern society, accompanying the following predicament:

How am I going to eat when my body consumes all the calories I put in it an hour ago?

...and with stress comes poor diet, lack of exercise, and, yes, ZITS...

Benny clears up your acne by sharing the fact that money puts a smile on his face, "ear to ear baby", because he has collected enough of it to reduce the stress associated with not having it to a point where he is able to experience happiness and no zits. So re-up on your ProActiv if you are stressed and remember we are all really working to avoid it and the further you are from it, the happier you can be! "Ear to ear baby!" Happy Friday!     

the four letter "f" word that gets you out of the gutter

Top 10 actors (giving it 5 minutes of thought, sure I left a few out) of My-Time, not ranked:

Kevin Spacey
Anthony Hopkins
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Jeff Bridges
Benicio Del Toro
Brian Cox
Christopher Walken
Daniel Day-Lewis
Gary Oldman
Liam Neeson
Al Pacino
Robert De Niro
Jack Nicholson
John Travolta
Johnny Depp

I love movies. LOVE. I love entertainment. Who doesn't?

What intrigues me about entertainment is how fascinated we are with fiction. We buy and buy and buy lies, watching them via Netflix, BlueRay, Red Box, VHS, and Blockbuster and at the movie theater over, and over, and over again, and millions of us do it, everyday. Why do we want to hear a story so badly? More on that later.

Even more intriguing to me is how obsessed we then become with the non-fictional people participating in acting the story out, i.e. the fame we create for the actors and actresses that played a part in the movie.

Why are we so in love with fame? Why, if I am 30 lbs. overweight with a shotty complexion and crooked smile, do I go unnoticed at a classy bar, however dodge offers from dimes if I am famous? What is it about that f-word that overwhelms us with desire?

Is it money? Is it mystique? Is it that the person overcame the large probability they would not make it? Is it the status? Is it the fact that everyone else wants them too?

When I was working for Atlantic Records circa 2004, I was backstage before Staind was to perform at the Mesa Ampitheater in, well, Mesa, AZ. They never quite achieved Metallica-esque fame, but they sold a boatload of albums, and there was never much room at any show I ever attended. There I was, backstage, hanging with Mike Mushok, noting guitar tips, when someone in the band pulled out a fat spliff and lit up 10 feet to my right. Fine by me, I think the shit should be legal, 100%. But I couldn't help but notice the Police Department / Security standing no more than 15, maybe 20 feet away, clearly within range of the scent and clearly noting a visual, ignoring the fact that the same law that millions of "Staind-less" Americans have broken and subsequently experienced penalty was
clearly being broken right in front of them, and they did nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

If it were anyone else, literally anyone else but anyone "in the band", and not just any band, a "famous" band, it would have been a flurry of radios + stampedes + threats + handcuffs + quarantines + arrests + confiscations + back-up + charges + tickets + flashlights + bookings + + + + + ...

Nada. There we sat, like in the circle with Eric Forman in his basement in That 70's Show, watching the clouds engulf our heads, pretending it was normal, because anything but playing it cool wasN'T.

I've got more stories like that, only they star Linkin Park, Jason Mraz, Ice Cube, among others.

I don't have the answer. But I love thinking about it. Only fame can blind a dime from the beer gut, stained teeth, and cratered forehead. Only fame can diffuse a cop's constant urge to abuse his power and exercise the law to its fullest extent. Only fame highlights the actor for portraying the heroic characteristics of the non-fictional being over the actual being himself. Only fame can cause everyone who ever treated you average to start kissing your ass right after your big break. Only fame can justify ridiculous compensation for minute quantities of labor. Only fame allows people with absolutely 0 economic threats who destroy their health via substance abuse profit from their recovery. How many bums who bounce back from heroin addiction make the NY Times Bestseller List?

Only fame.

So fascinating.

It blows my mind. Share your comments. What is it? Why does it literally convert another human being, another bag of saline solution and organs and flaws and closet-ed skeletons and substance dependencies and dying brain cells into an icon, a pillar of social status and achievement?

I heard once that it's the "aura of invincability" that attracts people to fame, i.e. cops wafting second hand Kush their way before "It's Been Awhile" goes amplified throughout downtown Mesa, Arizona, all because, well, quite frankly, "it's Staind, man..."

fame...

"here, take this to help with the pain... pain may increase dramatically, but you can't sue me now because you are aware... can I get paid?"

It is a bit comical to serve Nielsen as an "impression" as a result of the airing of pharmaceutical company's drug ads intercepting my meeting my entertainment media needs. Anyone else notice the fine print getting finer and a bit stupid in how far XYZ Pharma, Inc. will go to indemnify themselves? They have literally excused themselves of any potential liability resulting from... wait for it... their value proposition not creating any value, in fact, actually harming you!

This hit a bit close to home for me.

Some of you are familiar with the fact that I have been knocked out, twice, diagnostic "concussion", grade 2, and then 3 (out of 3 btw), during my days as a running back. I was pretty fast for a white guy, but running full speed into another human being doesn't always result in your momentum out-bidding his.

The first was in 8th grade, running a drag route between the linebackers dropping into zone pass coverage and the secondary going deep... wait you probably don't give a shit about the details... anyway the second "lights out" moment was worse, it taking place in Illinois (first in Texas), and I was able to answer all standard inquiries from the Dr. correctly (name, address, etc.), except for the one that probably meant the most with respect to the condition of my brain:

Dr. - "Where are you right now?"
Me - "Rockwall Texas."
Dr. - "Mark, please repeat your location, and also your school mascot."
Me - "Rockwall Texas, and we are the Yellowjackets. Orange and white."
Dr. - "Mark you are in Morton, Illinois, and you are the Hogs. You are wearing cherry and grey. Come with me."

Fast forward a few years, and here comes the Dr. with a "mild depression" diagnosis, which, according to modern medicine, is allegedly running rampant in post-concussion NCAA and NFL football players, as well as NHL retirees. I was put on a small dose of medication, designed to delay the re-uptake of certain neurotransmitters associated with "elevated
mood". I was floored when I saw an ad for the exact pill I was simultaneously metabolizing. It went something like this:

Kind, empathetic female voice, mid-40's, delicate piano playing:

"Abilify. Because you deserve to be happy again."

Kind, slightly whispering male voice, getting paid to read a script written by Stein, McStein, Cohen & Associates & OtherStein, LLP, delicate piano still playing:

"Abilify may result in an increase in thoughts of suicide. Should you consider ending your life, consult with your physician immediately. Abilify may cause long-term (insert favorite vital organ name here) damage, potentially resulting in its failure..."

WOW!

So, I pay 1.) a health insurance premium, every month, to hedge the risk of BCBS's investment in my "maybe Dr. visit" and 2.) a co-pay, every time I purchase meds prescribed by my Dr., to further reduce the cost of BCBS's investment in my actually needing their service, the intent to consume a pharmacological substance proven
with millions in shareholder capital to "elevate my mood", or, for argument's sake, unload the proverbial .22, but there is a high probability my desire to "call it" will literally "increase" with consumption?

It's another example of the complete absence of accountability in our nation's current state of business. The legal strategy is that by telling the consumer there are potential risks associated with the product, in the event said risks actually affect the consumer, the provider is indemnified. Basically "hey, you knew you might think more about drinking rat poison when you paid me to help you not drink it, so you can't sue me dude".

What if when you bought a car, the salesman said "now, there is a chance this VW will reverse itself, unexpectedly, on your way to work at 75 mph, and we hereby notify you of such, so you can't sue us if your car shifts from "D" to "R" on your way to work tomorrow because you hereby acknowledge possibility and hereby accept this risk assuming you buy this VW and therefore hold us harmless..."

Ridic.

I bought Abilify for one reason: Dr. Shrink said it will make me feel better, and I will consequently feel that living life sounds better than not, but the legal team behind its product risk management is going to tell me I could experience the worst possible outcome, or feeling the exact opposite of the product's intended purpose?

That is a legal / litigators wet dream!

Can you imagine how difficult it would be to argue anything against Abilify when the fine print disclaimed their product could actually cause the exact opposite of its value proposition in the event someone actually experienced a health hazard?

I thought of a few parallel reasoning funnies:

"Plan B. Because you can't control everything. Note there is a high probablity taking Plan B will facilitate triplets."

"LG. You deserve hi-def at 72 inches. Note watching our t.v. often causes lifelong blindness."

"Tide. Smell fresh! You hereby agree to the fact that our detergent may attract bacterial growth, overwhelming stench, and attacks from wild predators mistaking you for rotting flesh."

Bank of America. Feel safe about where you money is. There is high risk for bank robbery, total loss of asset, and 0% back-up by the FDIC."

Be aware of the fine print positioning XYZ Inc. to take your money without providing an actual service in return.

Time for another one... now, Johnnie Walker has yet to fail to deliver on its value prop:

"Johnnie Walker. Fucking you up since you were old enough to reach it and replace what you stole with water."

Can't compain about that!

I scream, you scream we all scream for ice cream (and not monogamy...)

Remember how pumped you got when you heard the "Ice Cream Man" music coming from his truck as it turned down your street?

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN!"

I was thinking, after watching another Netflix documentary, of course, about how we absolutely love variety, even arguably require it, in our society. We LOVE options, choices, alternatives... variety. We LOVE to experience new ice cream flavors, foods, cars, clothes, properties, fragrances, shoes, phones, locations, watches, make-up, movies, facebook profile pictures, gadgets, clubs, bars, etc. etc. etc. We LOVE our variety! We ARE variety! I WANT MORE AND I WANT IT DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE!

So why should we believe that the same brain obsessed with trying new things would behave any differently when experiencing sex, or deciding when to have it, and who to have it with? Why do we try to control our natural desire for variety when underwriting that critical emotional investment, the non-platonic relationship, and are so unbelievably surprised, like the sun didn't come up surprised, when our significant other gives into the same desire we saw last night at dinner when he / she asked for cheesecake mid-diet, only this piece of cheesecake came with the ability to help him / her orgasm, and it wasn't the same mate, i.e. us!

It is tough to swallow (no pun intended...), but it is fact: human beings crave variety, and that craving for "different" does not go away just because we are all "supposed" to practice monogamy in relationships. The desire to screw other people is deeply embedded in all of us. I am going to leave the law of diminishing returns out of this one, as a good friend often accuses me of being "cold-hearted" when I incorporate economics, etc. into concepts as treasured as "love", sex, etc. But bottom line is we get bored with monotony, and seeing the same person naked over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again JUST. GETS. OLD. (and so do they, which doesn't help either). So naturally, like when we take the leap of faith and try something different at our restaurant, our curiosity and desire for variety kicks in, and we start fantasizing, thinking about taxing that hottie we see on our morning run, or in line at Starbucks, etc.

Monogamy may become a thing of the past. More and more people are deciding to believe in a different lifestyle, and it involves sexing with variety, forever. I think it really is a matter of whether or not you are able to let go of the benefits marriage is "supposed to" provide and invest in the belief that it is acceptable to sex with more than one person in your lifetime. People are scared of marriage, and are more interested in avoiding the heartbreak and fiscal consequences that come with divorce, where the odds favor it, than they are in spending their life wondering if their spouse is still attracted to them. Result? We all become kids again, yelling for the ice cream man, only now we are hearing the soundtrack to a good porn instead of a synthesized xylophone, and we are just as excited to try something new when "it" arrives today as we were then!

"evolution revolution" part 3

Another feature of "common evolution" theory is how the human being is "96% similar to the great ape species" (depending on whose data your referencing), based on genomic sequencing.

Damn... all that evolving for a measly additional 4%? But what a 4% it is... responsible for those few ancillary inventions, like the jet airplane, internet, skyscraper, and artificial heart, to name a few.

What I don't understand is why didn't all the apes evolve by 4%? Let's say it all started with a male and female ape, somewhere in the jungle on Earth, 10 million years ago. As they pro-create, baby apes grow up, pro-create, etc., and a colony develops, etc. All these apes stick relatively close by, interacting in meeting fundamental survival needs and working with the laws of scarcity. Now, what stimulus in that jungle, or anywhere on Earth (say a pair of apes head west for new opportunity), caused these apes to begin evolving, that isn't present today, in the same primitive environment? In other words, in order for evolution to make sense today, based on the fact that humans exist and apes still exist in their relatively "original" format relative to the human (we are clearly different; at least two apes got left behind here...), some apes evolved, some didn't. What on Earth, pre-human existence, caused "some" apes to evolve, and others to sit tight? They were all eating the same bananas, experiencing the same rain (and water matter for that matter), subject to the same weather, rocks, grass, leaves, trees, bamboo, threats, disease, dirt, mud, rivers, creeks, bugs, wind, thunderstorms, climate, etc. then that they are today. Or maybe not? Was there a threat or obvious benefit available to at least one male and one female ape that caused them to "stand up", where the rest, never subject to such, took a seat?

I firmly believe Earth has not changed "that" much, from a climate perspective, in the time evolutionists argue it has taken for apes to evolve into humans. My money is on the bet that the jungle responsible for helping grow the first male and female ape is a lot the same today as it was then. This goes for the whole global landscape. If that is the case, what stimulus then, likely present today, would cause apes to commence the evolutionary process? What needs weren't met?

4% is quite a leap in genomic growth (assuming linear or non-linear projections), and I am assuming that this 4% is what is responsible for our ascension in sophistication of lifestyle (or thanks to this extra 4%, we have constructed an economy that works quite different than competing for who gets the last banana by grunting and punching). But what set it in motion, and my God, is 4% all that separates the brain responsible for converting minerals from the soil into laptop computers from the brain responsible for converting the same minerals into launch-able excrement? Picture the world pre-human. Looks alot like a National Geographic piece. Now picture the first apes, sitting around then, like they are today, at the zoo. What caused at least one male and female to quote "stand up" then that isn't causing their grandchildren to today if the things haven't changed that much?

reverse retirement... anyone else want to join me?

So lately I've been thinking about this whole retirement thing, more specifically how I will likely spend my last years on Earth free from the burdens that come with employment, arguably the free-est time of my life, old, tired, mad, impotent, and bored.

Do I have to? 

What if we could reverse the process? What if we could spend 22 - 35 "retired", but then worked from 35 - R.I.P.? I would much rather live it up 22 - 35 and work til death than check out at 65 and rot in my Mercedes. If you think about it, in business, the older you get, the "more experience" you offer, and are subsequently more valuable, so why are we calling it at 65, when, if we kept working, we would make more money, pay more taxes, etc.? It would be a great economic breakthrough. 

Social security costs needed would plummet as a result of the drop in medical needs of those "retired" (as well as Medicare), or 22 - 35, and the older workers would keep earning more money. How much loot does a Dr. leave on the table if he retires at 65 by the time he turns 75? All that not-earned income, and the taxes it would generate, is lost. 

My God the fun we could be having right now vs. scripting cliche cover letters and creeping on Linkedin! All my retired relatives are old as shit and constantly belly aching about how bored they are all day. Put them to work! Let us enjoy our youth! 

I would love to have all the fun in the sun I could now and would welcome a working death sentence in a hot minny. I would sign up in a heartbeat. I don't want to retire at 65. I want to work so I can avoid pissing myself every afternoon after 7 stiff J. Walkers.... wait, I would just piss myself every afternoon after 7 stiff J. Walkers "retired" at 28 anyway...

:-)