It is a bit comical to serve Nielsen as an "impression" as a result of the airing of pharmaceutical company's drug ads intercepting my meeting my entertainment media needs. Anyone else notice the fine print getting finer and a bit stupid in how far XYZ Pharma, Inc. will go to indemnify themselves? They have literally excused themselves of any potential liability resulting from... wait for it... their value proposition not creating any value, in fact, actually harming you!
This hit a bit close to home for me.
Some of you are familiar with the fact that I have been knocked out, twice, diagnostic "concussion", grade 2, and then 3 (out of 3 btw), during my days as a running back. I was pretty fast for a white guy, but running full speed into another human being doesn't always result in your momentum out-bidding his.
The first was in 8th grade, running a drag route between the linebackers dropping into zone pass coverage and the secondary going deep... wait you probably don't give a shit about the details... anyway the second "lights out" moment was worse, it taking place in Illinois (first in Texas), and I was able to answer all standard inquiries from the Dr. correctly (name, address, etc.), except for the one that probably meant the most with respect to the condition of my brain:
Dr. - "Where are you right now?"
Me - "Rockwall Texas."
Dr. - "Mark, please repeat your location, and also your school mascot."
Me - "Rockwall Texas, and we are the Yellowjackets. Orange and white."
Dr. - "Mark you are in Morton, Illinois, and you are the Hogs. You are wearing cherry and grey. Come with me."
Fast forward a few years, and here comes the Dr. with a "mild depression" diagnosis, which, according to modern medicine, is allegedly running rampant in post-concussion NCAA and NFL football players, as well as NHL retirees. I was put on a small dose of medication, designed to delay the re-uptake of certain neurotransmitters associated with "elevated
mood". I was floored when I saw an ad for the exact pill I was simultaneously metabolizing. It went something like this:
Kind, empathetic female voice, mid-40's, delicate piano playing:
"Abilify. Because you deserve to be happy again."
Kind, slightly whispering male voice, getting paid to read a script written by Stein, McStein, Cohen & Associates & OtherStein, LLP, delicate piano still playing:
"Abilify may result in an increase in thoughts of suicide. Should you consider ending your life, consult with your physician immediately. Abilify may cause long-term (insert favorite vital organ name here) damage, potentially resulting in its failure..."
WOW!
So, I pay 1.) a health insurance premium, every month, to hedge the risk of BCBS's investment in my "maybe Dr. visit" and 2.) a co-pay, every time I purchase meds prescribed by my Dr., to further reduce the cost of BCBS's investment in my actually needing their service, the intent to consume a pharmacological substance proven
with millions in shareholder capital to "elevate my mood", or, for argument's sake, unload the proverbial .22, but there is a high probability my desire to "call it" will literally "increase" with consumption?
It's another example of the complete absence of accountability in our nation's current state of business. The legal strategy is that by telling the consumer there are potential risks associated with the product, in the event said risks actually affect the consumer, the provider is indemnified. Basically "hey, you knew you might think more about drinking rat poison when you paid me to help you not drink it, so you can't sue me dude".
What if when you bought a car, the salesman said "now, there is a chance this VW will reverse itself, unexpectedly, on your way to work at 75 mph, and we hereby notify you of such, so you can't sue us if your car shifts from "D" to "R" on your way to work tomorrow because you hereby acknowledge possibility and hereby accept this risk assuming you buy this VW and therefore hold us harmless..."
Ridic.
I bought Abilify for one reason: Dr. Shrink said it will make me feel better, and I will consequently feel that living life sounds better than not, but the legal team behind its product risk management is going to tell me I could experience the worst possible outcome, or feeling the exact opposite of the product's intended purpose?
That is a legal / litigators wet dream!
Can you imagine how difficult it would be to argue anything against Abilify when the fine print disclaimed their product could actually cause the exact opposite of its value proposition in the event someone actually experienced a health hazard?
I thought of a few parallel reasoning funnies:
"Plan B. Because you can't control everything. Note there is a high probablity taking Plan B will facilitate triplets."
"LG. You deserve hi-def at 72 inches. Note watching our t.v. often causes lifelong blindness."
"Tide. Smell fresh! You hereby agree to the fact that our detergent may attract bacterial growth, overwhelming stench, and attacks from wild predators mistaking you for rotting flesh."
Bank of America. Feel safe about where you money is. There is high risk for bank robbery, total loss of asset, and 0% back-up by the FDIC."
Be aware of the fine print positioning XYZ Inc. to take your money without providing an actual service in return.
Time for another one... now, Johnnie Walker has yet to fail to deliver on its value prop:
"Johnnie Walker. Fucking you up since you were old enough to reach it and replace what you stole with water."
Can't compain about that!
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